Choosing Authenticity over Belonging

When I coach people, no matter what the issue is, I am essentially helping them do the work of peeling back the layers to their most authentic self.  It’s a process that can be both liberating and daunting, but ultimately, it’s about returning home to who they truly are.  The process of helping people do this work is my purpose in life. My mission is to help women realize that being authentic isn’t selfish. To challenge the assumption that letting go of certain ways of being does not mean that you will find yourself wildly out of control, breaking the law, and becoming a menace to society.  In fact, the opposite is true.  When we operate from a place of authenticity, we have more love to give to others and we naturally come to create healthy habits of contribution.  The energy of authenticity has legs and ripples out to create peace in this generation and generations to come.

As we go through life, our families, culture, pain from big T and little t traumas, and internalized shame attach layers of belief and meaning to us. These layers shape our personality and create the unique lens through which we see the world. None of us are immune, we all enter adulthood carrying conditioning that isn’t fully our own. These beliefs and behaviors are learned, passed down, or picked up as survival mechanisms, but they don’t always serve us.

Most of the time, we don’t even question these beliefs we carry. They run like old software in the background of our minds, subtly influencing our choices, reactions, and unfortunately, our sense of self. We go about our lives, thinking this is just who we are. Until, of course, something happens that forces us to stop. Maybe it’s heartbreak, burnout, anxiety, or a general sense of dissatisfaction that we can’t quite put our finger on. Whatever it is, when the pain becomes unsustainable, it often points to this outdated programming.

As humans, we are wired for connection. We tend to choose belonging over authenticity because that’s how we’ve evolved to survive as a species. From the moment we are born, we learn that love and acceptance are tied to how well we fit in.  We trade pieces of ourselves, our truth, our needs, our instincts, for the comfort of belonging. It’s human nature. From childhood, we learn that acceptance keeps us safe, so we adapt. We smile when we don’t feel like it, say yes when we mean no, stay quiet when something in us wants to speak. But when we consistently abandon our own needs and desires in favor of fitting in, we lose ourselves. And that loss creates suffering. We shape ourselves into what’s expected, often without realizing the cost.

So how do you know when you’re choosing belonging over authenticity?  Well, the word “should” is often a strong indicator of conditioning.  I should enjoy cooking for my family, I should become a lawyer like my father, I should spend every evening in December creating the most creative Elf on the Shelf experience for my children to see the magic of Christmas. Is any of that true? Is it really true or is it just programming?

Healing begins when we stop running on autopilot and start asking, “What is truly mine, and what have I merely adopted?” It’s in this peeling back of layers, this careful and compassionate excavation, is where we rediscover the person we were before the world told us who we should be. And that is where freedom begins.

Start with your frustration. Where is there tension in your life? Where do you feel resentment creeping in? Those emotions aren’t random, they’re signals. They point to where you might be violating your own values, where you’ve bent so far to fit in that you’ve lost sight of what actually matters to you.

If you’re unsure what your values are, ask yourself Who do I admire?  The people we look up to embody qualities we deeply value ourselves. While that might be apparent, it's less obvious that the qualities we admire indicate untapped qualities we possess within ourselves. Maybe it’s integrity, passion, courage, bold expression, creativity, resilience.  Whatever the values are, let those insights guide you. Then, hold them up next to your life. Where do your frustrations reveal a disconnect?

Make a list. On one side, write your core values. On the other, list the things that frustrate you most. Is your job in conflict with your need for creativity? Are you staying silent in relationships when you value honesty? Do you keep saying yes to things that drain you when you value health and balance or stillness?

This exercise is simple in theory, but hard in practice. Because when you start to shift, when you step into alignment with your values, the systems around you will resist. People are used to you being a certain way. When you stop over-giving, out-doing, or over-extending, there will be pushback. It is wildly uncomfortable for us to show up differently in our lives in the first place.  But getting pushback from the people we love who are scared to see us change can be paralyzing.  The real work of authenticity is showing up for yourself, even when others prefer we stay the same.

Staying stuck in a version of yourself that doesn’t work anymore and is creating a world of hurt for yourself affects you the most. And that’s a high price to pay, even for something as vital as belonging.  Almost everything you desire in life that seems unattainable is there for you, waiting, but only on the other side of the change you fear moving through.